


But From The Mountaintops I Took Down The Sun; Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurrah

by littlesaintmick



Category: Professional Wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Background Relationships, Eventual Smut, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, STAY WITH ME FOR A MINUTE THIS TAKES SOME EXPLAININ, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character, cults tw, escaping a cult au, i promise it's not as messed up as you're probably thinking it is, lots of hurt before the story starts lots of comfort during the story, okay so, tags probably to be added, trans buddy murphy, trans tony nese
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:14:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26644330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlesaintmick/pseuds/littlesaintmick
Summary: buddy murphy hasn't known himself in almost 20 years. this is a celebration song.(title from...'celebration song', by seeming, from their album 'a birdwatcher's guide to atrocity'
Relationships: Buddy Murphy/Mustafa Ali
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	But From The Mountaintops I Took Down The Sun; Hurrah, Hurrah, Hurrah

**Author's Note:**

> this is a very weird au, i recognize that, it's probably insensitive to some degree too, also buddy has a touch of transmisogyny for like two seconds but gets over it, this is fine and everyone is fine

Buddy shivered and wrapped his arms tighter around himself, looking around. He prided himself on being able to handle anything and take care of himself, the Greater Good had taught him that, that it was important to be able to take care of yourself when you were alone, but…

He didn’t know where he was. 

Absolutely no clue-he was alone on some random street and he’d only left to look for Seth, because Seth had been-he didn’t want to think about that. Buddy looked around more and more, feeling the world spin around him a little. He sat on the curb, feeling his breathing pick up. He didn’t know where he was and Seth wasn’t here and he didn’t know what to do without Seth after all these years, Seth was his Savior, he had been helping Buddy find his way for so long and now Buddy didn’t know where he was or where to go and his vision blurred from tears and confusion and he felt-every part of his body felt bad and wrong and he wanted to hit his hands on the ground over and over. 

“Excuse me-sir? Are you okay?”

Buddy didn’t look up at the sound of a voice, just letting out a quiet whine-there was too much going on and nothing happening at the same time, and then he saw, out of the corner of his blurry eyes, someone kneeling next to him, not too close. 

“Sir? Do I need to call an ambulance?”

Buddy managed to look up at the man and for a split second he thought it was Seth-but no, this man was smaller, his hair was longer and tied back in the same way that Seth did but his features were different. He was handsome, with a very, very kind face and a look of concern. 

“I-I don’t know how to get home-”

“Oh-okay, sir, uh-listen, can you take some deep breaths? Just focus on taking a few deep breaths, alright? Don’t think about getting home for a second, just-breath in and think about breathing in, and then breathe out, and think about breathing out.”

Buddy tried that, and he still felt shaky and bad and gross everywhere, but he did try, and he was able to calm his breathing. He still felt like crying. The man was still looking at him so kindly. It almost made Buddy mad. Why was this man being so nice? He wasn’t with the Greater Good, he had no reason to be. 

“Do you know your home address?”

Buddy frowned, and it occurred to him that...no, he didn’t actually know the address. The Greater Good always traveled in groups led by Saviors, disciples weren’t supposed to know many of the details. It was all about trust, and he’d always trusted Seth. 

“Um...no…”

“Oh-well, what’s your name? Maybe we can figure it out, okay? And maybe see about seeing a doctor really quick, just for-to make sure you’re alright.”

“I’m not-I’m not allowed to see the doctors outside of the Greater Good.”

He knew he wasn’t really supposed to mention the group to outsiders, not as a disciple, but he didn’t know what else to do here.

“The-Greater Good-okay, let’s-I think maybe you should go see a doctor just in case, I’m sure-the Greater Good would rather you be okay than take a risk, right?”

Buddy shrugged.

“Yeah, I-I guess.”

“My name is Mustafa, can you tell me your name?”

“Buddy.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Buddy. Can you come with me? I’ll go to the emergency room with you and we can get you checked out, and then-we’ll find the way to your home.”

The Greater Good would probably want him to do whatever he could to get home...Buddy nodded and let Mustafa help him up-apparently Mustafa had been on a jog and come across him. He followed Mustafa back to his car and was quiet on the ride to the hospital. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been to a doctor who wasn’t with the Greater Good. He’d been saved since he was fourteen and the Greater Good had provided everything for him. Buddy was honestly a little scared and he hated that he was scared. What would Seth say if he knew he was afraid of something so simple? Or if he knew that he’d freaked out and had to be helped by some random stranger?

Buddy followed Mustafa into the emergency room and they went up to the check-in. A woman with blond hair greeted Mustafa with a smile. 

“Mustafa! Nice to see you-how are you?”

“I’m good, thank you. Liv-I have-this is Buddy. I met him tonight and he was...having a bit of an episode. Is Jimmy on shift?”

“Yeah, let me call him-here, fill this out and Buddy-you’ll have to sign it.”

Buddy frowned and backed up a few steps. 

“I can’t sign things without my Savior here.”

Mustafa and Liv both looked at him and glanced at each other, and Liv smiled, nodding her head. 

“Okay. That’s-fill out the form anyway, and I’ll figure out what we can do.”

Buddy relaxed his shoulders. At least these people understood that he couldn’t do anything without Seth. He was just a disciple, after all. He sat in the lobby and filled out the forms without signing them, and Mustafa helped, and took them back up to the check-in. Maybe these people weren’t too bad, even though they weren’t part of the Greater Good. Maybe they just needed to be saved, just like Buddy. 

It was about thirty minutes before they were called to the actual emergency room, and Buddy had been curiously watching the television playing in the lobby. He hadn’t watched regular tv since he was a teenager. The Greater Good picked what they could watch, and it was for the better. It kept his mind more pure. 

They were led to a room by a nurse and soon after, a doctor came in. He had curly brown hair and dark tan skin and he was wearing scrubs that showed off the expansive tribal tattoos on his arms. He smiled at both of them and had a beautiful smile. Buddy blushed a little. 

“Hey uce, what’s up?”

Mustafa and the doctor shook hands and hugged.

“Pretty good. Jimmy, this is Buddy-Buddy, this is Jimmy Uso, he’s a doctor and a good friend of mine. Can you tell him a little about what happened tonight?”

Jimmy started taking Buddy’s blood pressure and putting him on monitors, and Buddy swallowed and looked up at him, occasionally looking at Mustafa as he spoke.    
“I-I was home, and-my Savior has been missing for a few months, so I left to look for him-I didn’t really have a plan, but-”

Jimmy’s brows drew together and he checked Buddy’s temperature. 

“Your savior?”

“His name-his name is Seth, and-none of us know what happened to him.”

“What does-”

“Uh-Jimmy, Buddy is with the Greater Good.”

Buddy watched a few different emotions flash across Jimmy’s face before he nodded. 

“Oh-I’ve...I heard of them, they’re a...men’s group, right?”

“Yeah. I-I shouldn’t have left like I did, but…”

Buddy again felt tears gather in his eyes, and again, he felt stupid for it.

“I-I missed Seth so much, he-he’s always been with me, since he saved me, but-”

“Whoa, whoa-”

Jimmy put a hand on his back and rubbed it up and down, and Buddy glanced at Mustafa, who smiled and reached out to gently grab Buddy’s ankle. There was something about Mustafa that made him feel...very calm, and something else.

“You need to stay as relaxed as possible, alright? You were right on track to have a panic attack, and from what I saw on your forms, that’s what you were having when Mustafa found you. Do you have a history of panic disorders?”

Buddy shrugged and wiped his hand over his eyes. 

“Kind-kind of. The Greater Good doctors told me it was because of how I was born.”

“Buddy? What do you mean by that?”

Buddy blinked at Mustafa.

“I was born a girl. The doctor’s I’ve been seeing said that it’s-I’m supposed to be messed up, that’s why they worked so hard to save me.”

Something Buddy couldn’t quantify showed on Mustafa’s face; it was like pain, but not in a physical way.    
“You’re trans?”

Buddy turned to Jimmy and nodded.

“I think that’s the word for it, yeah.”

“I’m gonna go look some things up, and I’ll have a nurse come in to check on you in a little while, alright? Mustafa-I need to talk to you outside for a minute.”

Buddy laid back on the hospital bed and closed his eyes. He was tired. He hadn’t really realized it, but he was tired. He wondered how far away he ended up from home. It didn’t matter; after this, Mustafa would take him back and he would probably be punished for leaving, and for talking to so many people who weren’t part of the Greater Good, but that was alright. Sometimes punishments-even harsh ones-were needed, or you wouldn’t learn. He looked up when the curtain pulled back and Mustafa smiled at him.    
“Hey there.”   
“When can I leave?”

“It-it’ll be a while, Jimmy just wants to keep an eye on you for a little bit. He thinks you might be a little dehydrated, but-it won’t be too long.”

Buddy sighed and laid back.

“I can’t wait to get home.”

Mustafa sat in the chair near the bed. 

“So...you have a pretty strong accent. You from Australia?”

“Yes. I was born in Melbourne, but-my family moved here when I was younger.”

“Cool. Can I ask how old you were when you met this...Seth, and he-saved you?”

Buddy couldn’t help the smile from coming to his face. 

“I was fourteen. I was struggling in school and I felt terrible because I knew I was a man-and then I met Seth, and he understood, and he made me feel like a man and that’s when he helped me. He’s the youngest Savior in the history of the Greater Good, that’s why-I know I’m not supposed to say this, but that’s why I think he should lead it. He was only sixteen when he saved me. He’s amazing.”

“And you said-he’s been missing?”

The smile faded and Buddy nodded. 

“Y-yeah. He went missing a few months ago, and-the Greater Good said that some sacrifices are made and some people are lost, but-I didn’t want him to be gone. I know he’s still alive, but-I don’t know where he is.”

“So...I know you’re eager to get back home-but do you think you’d be okay going back tomorrow instead of tonight?”

Buddy sat up, almost fast enough for him to get dizzy, and he frowned. 

“Why?”

“Don’t worry-I just think you might benefit from a night where you don’t think about any of that, and you can shower and relax and get some sleep. And-I have a friend that I think you should meet. He might-he might be able to help you find Seth.”

Buddy felt a shock of hope run through his body. 

“Really?”

“Yeah. He-I think he could help, or at least try.”

“....Okay, I’ll-just for one night, but-the longer I stay out, the more severely I’ll be punished.”

“I’ll make sure you get home.”

\---

Mustafa’s apartment was really nice, though he was a little nervous about the shower. He hadn’t taken a shower since he was a teenager, all of the men at the Greater Good bathed outside with their Saviors every other day. It would be weird to do this by himself, and Mustafa had to show him how the knobs worked. It was hot and actually felt...really nice. They didn’t get warm water with the baths, and Buddy ended up staying in the shower for thirty minutes, and came out relaxed and his skin flushed pink from the heat. 

Mustafa was sitting on the couch, watching tv, and he smiled and he really did have a nice smile. Buddy felt his cheeks get warm and he ducked his head down.    
“Is it-can I sleep?”

“Yeah, of course-why don’t you take my bed? I’ll sleep out here.”

Buddy blinked and tilted his head. 

“We’re not sleeping together?”

Mustafa’s eyes widened and his eyebrows shot up.

“I-wouldn’t think you’d want to, since we just met?”

“But-do you sleep alone?”

“I live alone, and-I don’t have a partner, so yes, usually.”

“Oh. I-I guess...people don’t sleep in groups, most of the time-”

“Not...generally, no. But-will you be able to sleep on your own?”

“I’m-I’m not sure.”

Mustafa sighed through his nose. 

“We can share the bed, if that’s what you need.”

Buddy was feeling a lot of things. He was embarrassed at the thought of sharing a bed with someone outside of the Greater Good, he was feeling flushed and warm because Mustafa...really was handsome, he was sad about not being home, he was hopeful about finding Seth. He and Mustafa got into bed after Mustafa went through his nightly routine, and Mustafa didn’t sleep too closely to him, but that was okay. He wasn’t in the Greater Good, after all, he didn’t know. Buddy fell asleep quickly anyway, snuggled up in the comfort of the bed.

The next morning he woke up to a very nice smell and he wasn’t sure what it was. He got up, going into the kitchen. Mustafa was cooking and Buddy’s eyes widened.

“What are you making?”

“Oh-”

Mustafa turned and smiled at him. 

“Good morning! I’m making waffles. Got a craving. Do you want some? I don’t know if you have any allergies-”

“I-I don’t, but-we’re not allowed to have-food like that.”

“Like-what, exactly?”

“Uh-sweets or bread at all. We only cook meat.”

“Oh. Well-I can fix you something that adheres to that.”

“I-I probably shouldn’t take food from you.”

Mustafa hummed. 

“Are you sure? You had a long night. Like I said-I have some foods that you could eat. Even just some fruit might be a good idea.”

Buddy chewed on his lip. Fruit wasn’t altered or anything, it was just fruit and therefore clean, so that would probably be alright. 

“Okay-I am hungry…”

Mustafa smiled and brought him a plate of fruit and some vegetables, and sat down with his own plate of waffles. Buddy did tear through his own food, but he couldn’t help but stare at Mustafa’s plate. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d eaten something like that, with so much sugar and bread, and it smelled amazing-he knew he’d had it, as a child, but...it had been a lifetime. Mustafa noticed his staring and smiled softly at him. 

“You can try these, if you want to.”

“I-I really shouldn’t-”

“Buddy, can I-give you my opinion on something?”

Buddy nodded. Mustafa had been so nice so far, he didn’t want to be rude to him. 

“I think...it’s not very healthy to restrict your eating so much. I know-the Greater Good has told you that it’s for your own good, but-just one bite isn’t gonna matter to them, right?”

It probably would matter. But...Buddy supposed that if he was already going to get punished for what he’d already done, then confessing to one more sin wouldn’t really add that much to it. 

“I...maybe not...the Saviors get to eat something like this a few times a year, but-I’m just a disciple.”

“Well...is it possible for you to one day become a-savior?”

“Yeah, if-if I did everything right.”

“Okay, so-maybe it would be okay to try this because it’s something you’d get to do in the future anyway?”

Buddy blinked and stared down at his hands. 

“That...that makes sense…”

He looked up when one of Mustafa’s hands-they were so strong-looking-gently grasped his wrist. 

“I don’t want you to do anything that will make you uncomfortable, but-you seem really, really scared to go against the rules from the Greater Good, and-that doesn’t seem healthy.”

Buddy’s face flushed with heat and he felt his hands shaking as he steeled himself to defend his family. 

“They just-they’re doing what’s best for me. They-they saved me, they-they’ve given me a home for so long and we’re doing what we’re doing for the best of everyone-we’re trying to save people-”

“Buddy, I didn’t mean-”

Mustafa shut his eyes and took a few deep breaths. Buddy felt the panic slowly rise in his throat-he still needed help getting home and didn’t want to risk his opportunity to find Seth. Mustafa looked over at him and moved his hand from Buddy’s wrist to his hand. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you. I...when I was younger, I was-involved in a group that was-pretty extremist in its beliefs. I thought what we were doing was for the best, but-it wasn’t. They were-I’m not saying the Greater Good is doing that, but-I just think you should think about...whether or not it’s healthy for people to control so much of your life so strictly.”

Buddy...didn’t really have anything to say to that. He knew he should defend the Greater Good more, but...Seth had always been the one to defend them. He’d always known what to say, and Buddy never really did. He was always afraid that he’d make a fool of himself and he was sure he’d do that now if he tried. He never felt smart enough to say what needed to be said, even though he knew in his heart that the Greater Good was doing what was best for him. He hated that he felt tears at his eyes. He was mad at himself for crying, for not being able to defend his family, for…

For a lot of things, that he tried not to think about. 

“Buddy...I’m sorry. I-I know that those people are important to you, and that they’ve been in your life for a long time. I pushed when I shouldn’t have.”   
Buddy was very confused. Mustafa was apologizing to him, but-he didn’t know what to do. He never did. He felt stupid and he wished Seth was here. Seth would know what to do and say. Buddy looked at Mustafa’s hand on his. 

“They really-they really do want what’s best for me. They’ve helped me become a man-I wouldn’t-I wouldn’t have been able to look like this if it weren’t for them.”

“Was...did you live with your parents before meeting Seth?”

“Y-yes, I-my mom and dad, they-I haven’t seen them in a long time.”

“Were they...not supportive of your identity?”

Buddy frowned. 

“I...the Greater Good told me they would never-they wouldn’t love me as much as my Saviors would. And-and I-”

“But...did they support you?”

“...Yes.”

Mustafa stroked his thumb over the back of Buddy’s hand, and the apartment still smelled sweet and so, so good, and so welcoming, in ways Buddy hadn’t experienced in such a long time. 

“I’ll still take you home after meeting my friend, if you want. But...I do want you to consider-that maybe there are places that would be...better for you.”

Buddy still didn’t have anything to say.

\---

The office was nice, if a little strange to be in. Apparently this was where the friend that might be able to help find Seth worked.

His name was Roman Reigns, and he was just...massive and muscular and had long dark hair. His smile was beautiful. Buddy briefly thought this guy should be a movie star. 

“Hey, Moose. This is Buddy, I take it?”

“Yeah. I thought-he’s looking for someone who went missing from the Greater Good.”

Roman nodded and pushed his glasses up on his nose. 

“Yeah, we’ve had a couple of people come from there. Newer recruits, mostly-had one guy who was in his fifties. Pretty tough place to get out of.”

Buddy furrowed his brows and stared at Roman. 

“What do you mean? We don’t ‘recruit’ people, we save them.”

Roman turned to Buddy with a serious, but somewhat sad look on his face.

“That’s a form of recruitment. I’ve had three teenagers in the past year come from there saying they needed help finding their parents again and they’ve told me about the process.”

“They must not have wanted to be saved. We don’t keep people against their will, we’re just trying to help men-and build a brotherhood. It’s a holy mission.”

His heart was racing as he tried to parrot the things he’d heard Seth and the other Saviors say. He hated that his hands were shaking but he also hated that he felt like Roman was talking to him like he was stupid. Buddy wasn’t stupid. He may not have been smart enough to be a Savior, but-he wasn’t stupid. He knew that. Roman reached up and pulled his glasses off, his big brown eyes curious. 

“Buddy, how old were you when you joined the Greater Good?”

“Fourteen.”

“How did that end up happening?”

Buddy glanced at Mustafa, who nodded softly.

“I-I was...I was trying to find-t-transition stuff at a library, where I met Seth-we talked and talked and talked, and I finally learned-he told me he could save me, that the Greater Good could save me-they could make me who I wanted to be, even if I’d never be as much of a man as someone like Seth. He...he never made me feel like less. Even when he got angry with me-”

Buddy felt his face burning at the memories of all the times Seth held him and loved him and made him feel like something greater than he was.

“-he always made me feel like I’d been saved.”

“How old are you now?”

“Thirty-one.”

“So...you’ve been with them about seventeen years?”

Buddy nodded. 

“That’s a long time. Have you-did you have a family before them?”

“...Yes. I had-I had my parents, and-grandparents and cousins.”

“How long has it been since you spoke to them?”

Buddy paused, and then spoke quietly.

“Seventeen years.”

“Did the Greater Good allow you to call them?”

Buddy stared at his hands in his lap, his eyes a little blurry now. 

“N-no, but-they would be happy for me. Knowing I’ve been saved.”

“What’s your last name?”

“I’m not supposed to have one.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“I’ve been saved. Saved men don’t need last names.”

Roman hummed, sitting back in his chair. He seemed to be considering Buddy and the information he’d learned. 

“Do you remember what it was?”

“Well-yeah.”

“Can you tell me what it was?”

It was weirdly easy to talk to Roman and tell him things, even as Buddy still felt the burn of embarrassment and anger under his skin and rolling in his stomach.

“I-it was...Murphy?”

Roman smiled at him and that felt good. He didn’t like that it felt good. He didn’t need anyone’s approval except for Seth’s.

“Can you-can you help me find Seth?”

Roman sighed and rubbed his hand over his face before putting his glasses back on.

“I can try. Might be had without a last name, but-do you have a description?”

“I do have his last name-he...he told me, one night, when we first-”

Buddy blushed and snapped his jaw shut. He shouldn’t be telling outsiders about what happened between a Savior and disciple.

“It-it was Rollins, before he was saved.”

Roman typed something into his laptop for a few minutes and Mustafa reached out and grabbed Buddy’s wrist, so unbelievably gently again. 

“Thank you for being so honest with Roman.”

“I just-I want to find Seth.”

“Well-you might be able to. He’s living in this city. Not that this city is small, but-”

“What? How do you know?”

Buddy shot up, leaning forward and staring Roman down.

“His parents contacted a partner service that we work with sometimes about a year ago. He’s been living with them since.”

Buddy’s breathing picked up and he heard his voice waver.

“I-I-he’s okay? He’s-he’s alive?”

“Buddy, breathe-”

Mustafa’s hand was on his back and the other was on his thigh, and he rubbed his back, up and down, and Buddy had to remember to take in breaths and let them out. 

“He-why didn’t he come back-”

Roman got a truly pained look on his face then.

“Buddy...I’m going to be honest with you here, because I can tell that Seth meant a lot to you, and that’s why you have to listen to me when I tell you this, because this is the truth. The service Seth’s parents contacted was a deprogramming group. They remove people from cults. From what I can see in the records-his parents had been suing the Greater Good for years, trying to get access to him. The Greater Good fought them every step of the way.”

There was a sort of a sensation of the whole world crashing down around him and screeching in his ears. He shook his head a few times. 

“No-no, he wouldn’t-he wouldn’t leave-he wouldn’t leave me-the Greater Good-saved him, they saved me, they-it’s not-they’re not evil, they don’t want to hurt us-”

“Buddy, breathe-you need to breathe-”

He stood and kept shaking his head, backing up until he hit the wall. 

“No-you’re lying, both-you don’t know us, we’re-we’re not-you don’t know what you’re talking about-”

Mustafa stood in front of him, not too closely, and Buddy could tell Roman was tense and ready to fight if needed. 

“Buddy-please listen-please?”

Buddy quieted and looked up at Mustafa.

“Buddy...we didn’t mean to put this on you so quickly, but-neither of us knew how else to do it. I-I haven’t known you for long, but I can tell you appreciate the truth. We’re not-Roman isn’t lying. I’m not lying. I-you haven’t spoken to your family in almost twenty years, because these people have kept you to themselves, they’ve restricted every part of your life-that’s not ‘saving’ you. That’s just controlling you.”

Buddy was feeling a great many things, the chief of which was that...he didn’t want to admit that they were right. 

That ‘world is crashing’ feeling came back to him and he knew they were right. Of course he’d always kept the thought in the back of his mind, though it had spent the past fifteen years manifesting as escape fantasies with Seth. The two of them finding their own way out in the world, because Buddy didn’t believe in the Greater Good, he believed in Seth. But Seth was part of the Greater Good, so...Buddy went with it. And for so long-it had just been easier to do that, to go along with it. That way he didn’t think about missing his family or a life outside of the Greater Good. 

He didn’t realize that he’d fallen to the floor, on his knees, entirely helpless in the moment, until Mustafa was kneeling next to him, one hand hesitantly touching his shoulder.

“I’m sorry-I know that learning this is hard, and-that it’s going to be hard to accept, but-if you let me, I want to help you.”

Buddy didn’t know what he wanted or what he would let happen. He sat on his knees in the office and cried.

\---

Buddy laid in the bathtub, thinking about the past few days. 

He had sort of...shut down, for the past three days after meeting Roman and finding out everything about the Greater Good. Once he’d calmed down, Mustafa and Roman had shown him news articles and testimonies about the Greater Good and what they were doing. Mustafa had been right; Buddy did appreciate the truth. He didn’t like being lied to or looked down on, and lying to someone was looking down on them.

Mustafa had been so kind, though. He had helped Buddy during his breakdown, and the period of numbness, and he’d offered his home to Buddy for as long as he needed. Roman was working on finding his parents. A lot was changing very quickly.

And he still wanted to see Seth. 

Of course Mustafa and Roman had explained why that probably wasn’t a good idea, at least for now. And it made sense. 

He still felt very lost. He didn’t think that feeling was going to go away anytime soon. 

He looked up at the sound of a knock on the bathroom door.

“Buddy?”

“...Yes?”

“Just checking on you. Been in there for a while.”

“I’m sorry.”   
“Don’t be. Just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

Buddy was quiet. 

“Thank you.”   
“Dinner is ready for whenever you’re done.”

They were going to try some new foods tonight. Buddy...wanted to try. He wanted to be able to live his life without the control of the Greater Good, without having to lean on Seth for every decision and thought. He had spent so long in someone’s shadow. He didn’t want to be in anyone’s shadow anymore. Not even Seth’s, though he still loved him. He felt a lot of strange things about Seth recently. 

Buddy dried off and sighed, looking at himself in the mirror. He felt like he barely recognized himself. His hair had grown out so long, past his shoulders, and he felt...wrong. 

He went out into the kitchen, where Mustafa was sitting at his small dining room table. 

“I want a haircut.”

Mustafa looked up from his phone. 

“How short?”

“I’m-I’m not sure, but-the Greater Good doesn’t let us cut our hair. I’m-I don’t want it long like this anymore.”

Mustafa blinked at him. 

“I’ll find a barber.”

Buddy blushed and sat at the table with Mustafa. There was actual bread on the table, and Buddy fought against the anxiety and looked over at Mustafa-at his warm brown eyes and deep tan skin and his hair, which was loose around his shoulders. Mustafa smiled and nodded at the food. 

“Have at it.”

He served himself and Buddy and Buddy stared down at his plate. It had been so long since he’d had cooked vegetables, or bread, and he shakily brought up a piece of bread to his mouth. 

And promptly set it back down. 

This was stupid.

It was bread.

Why was it so hard?

He looked down at a dark hand in his, long fingers wrapped around his palm. 

“You don’t have to do this. I have something made in case you can’t. It’s okay. You’ve only been away from them for a week after-after almost twenty years with them, and-it’s going to take time to fully break through everything they taught you.”

“I-I-I don’t want it to be hard-”

“I know.”   
“I feel-”

Buddy’s lips tightened and wobbled and he sniffled, and Mustafa brought his hand between both of his. 

“It’s okay-say whatever you need, there’s no judgement here. I understand.”

“I feel stupid-for all of this-I never should have fallen for their shit-I never should have stayed and-and-I still want Seth back but he was the one who-how do I know he was just as messed up as I’ve been?”

“Do you want me to talk or do you need me to listen?”

“I don’t-I want-I don’t know.”

“Oh, Buddy-”

Buddy knew he was about to cry, and he’d never cried so much as he had in the past few days. 

“I-I need-”

“Come here-”

Mustafa took him into his arms so easily and Buddy wrapped his arms around Mustafa’s waist, burying his face against his hair-it smelled so clean and nice and so different. He let himself be held and he let himself cry, and Mustafa held him and it wasn’t quite as harrowing as he thought it would be. The only person who had touched him like this-ever, was Seth. But he didn’t want to depend on Seth anymore. Or-he did, but he knew he couldn’t.

“I don’t think he ever meant to hurt you.”

Buddy sniffled and listened.

“I think he was probably just as brainwashed as you ended up being. He probably thought he was saving you. But-you get to feel weird about him. Especially now.”

“I’m angry at everything.”

“That’s also okay. You’ve been through something pretty extreme, and-I would be angry too.”

Buddy pulled away and wiped at his face. He sat back on his chair and looked down at his food. He took a deep breath and shoved half of the piece of bread in his mouth and started chewing. It would be fine. The Greater Good couldn’t get to him here, their rules were bullshit, and he could eat what he wanted and do what he wanted.

It honestly tasted a little weird. 

Buddy didn’t think it was bad, but it had been almost twenty years since he’d put bread anywhere near his mouth, and he swallowed it down, letting out a breath. Mustafa was watching him with an odd look on his face, that Buddy could almost call ‘fondness’. 

“How is it?”

“Weird.”

Mustafa laughed and Buddy didn’t feel like he was being laughed at.

“I think that’s to be expected. Try not to eat so fast-your body hasn’t had this stuff in a long time, you need to go slow.”

Buddy picked the rest of the bread into small pieces.

“Hate going slow.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. Feels like...I wanna rush into-getting away from them.”

“That’s okay to feel like that. I just-when it comes to the physical stuff, you have to be careful.”

“I want...I wanna be normal again.”

Mustafa’s hand ended up on his at one point while they talked. 

“You will, or at least-you’ll get to a point that feels good.”

Buddy took another bite of bread, chewing it slower this time. He was careful.

\---

Jimmy became his regular doctor after the first meeting, and he really needed one. Jimmy was able to prescribe his hormones and he helped him find a nutritionist that could help him reintroduce different foods into his diet; he wasn’t in bad health, not really, but the long-term stress had affected his stomach quite a bit. Roman made sure he stayed on the plan and found a psychiatrist, which...he also needed, but he didn’t like to admit. There was a lot more to him than what the Greater Good had instilled in him, both good and bad. 

And Mustafa was still letting him stay at his apartment. 

It was three weeks later, and he was still in Mustafa’s apartment. There had been discussions between Buddy, Roman, and Cedric-Buddy’s new psychiatrist-about Buddy finding his own place to live, but given that that had led to an immediate panic attack that could only be soothed with medication, they were slowing their roll on that idea. It did feel weird staying with Mustafa, but Buddy wasn’t quite sure why it felt weird. 

Mustafa suggested that they find a bigger place together. That idea had not bothered him nearly as much. 

Perhaps the biggest change that was incoming was that Roman had finally tracked down Buddy’s parents. 

They had spoken over a video chat, which Buddy had no idea existed, and it had been...weird. Buddy knew he felt something, but there was a sort of detached sense at first. He hadn’t known these people for seventeen years. What if they didn’t love him anymore? What if he didn’t love them? He felt something, he knew he did, but was it love? Was it regret? 

They were coming to visit soon, though, and he was likely going to figure more out once they were actually in front of him in person.

He paused in the aisle of the grocery store and his eyes widened. 

“Oh!”

He ran up to the shelves and pulled a bag down, and he felt Mustafa at his back.

“You okay?”

“Y-yes, I just-I haven’t had these since I was a kid, I didn’t-I didn’t know they even sold these in America-”

Mustafa laughed and put a hand on the small of Buddy’s back, looking over his shoulder at what he had in his hands.

“Twisties?”

“They’re really, really good, I haven’t had-”

The overwhelming sadness at how much of his life had been wasted crested over him like a wave again, as it did most days. 

“I haven’t had these in a long time.”

“If you find anything else from Australia, let me know. This is an international grocer, they probably have a lot. We can...we can try and make some Australian foods when we go home.”

When we go home. Mustafa was too kind. Buddy wiped at his eyes and felt stupid for crying over a bag of chips, and then felt bad for thinking of himself as stupid. He nodded and they went about their shopping trip, Mustafa keeping things light and pleasant and easy to deal with. Buddy did like learning about Pakistani and Indian foods, and halal rules. He liked learning about people and places and Mustafa was so nice to listen to. They bought every Australian thing they could find and Buddy quietly talked about it, what he remembered about everything.

Mustafa held his hand at one point. It didn’t feel bad. It didn’t feel weird. He still felt like he needed contact, physical contact like that, where he could touch another man casually. That was something the Greater Good did give him that he treasured. Cedric and Roman had been helping him realize that there were probably some things about his experience that he could view positively, so long as he understood that what they did to him was still terrible overall. 

The drive home was nice. 

He still woke up with nightmares and panic and anxiety most nights, but it was getting...easier to cope with. 

“Hey, would you be-would you be okay with some friends of mine coming over?”

Buddy blinked up at Mustafa from where he was putting groceries up in the fridge.

“Oh-yeah? I guess?”

“I didn’t want them to just...show up and surprise you.”

“Thanks.”

Mustafa actually blushed, and Buddy just caught the little tinting to his cheeks. That made Buddy feel...something. He was feeling an awful lot of Somethings lately. He kept putting up groceries and so did Mustafa, and he told Buddy about the friends that would be coming over-Cedric would be, and Roman and his husband, and some other friends named Drew, Tony, and Ariya. Buddy wasn’t actually very intimidated by the idea of there being so many people in the apartment; big groups didn’t bother him. The Greater Good had always done things in groups, or at least pairs. Buddy just figured that he would probably spend at least some of the time while the apartment was full hiding in the bedroom if it did get to be too much. 

But that dinner wasn’t for another few days, so Buddy had time to prepare. 

He’d started going to the gym with Mustafa and on runs with him. Buddy slept during the day most days, which felt very nice-he was always a bit of a night owl, but the Greater Good kept him and everyone else on a strict schedule. He liked being able to just...do things how he wanted to. Which he could do now. He could do whatever he wanted! 

The freedom was almost hard to accept, but Cedric and Roman really had helped him understand what happened and what he could do going forward. He still felt afraid and panicky and generally fucked up-though Cedric had figured out that that was because Buddy had a legitimate panic disorder-but it was already getting easier to feel like...himself again. He hadn’t known himself for a very long time. He missed himself. 

\---

Buddy frowned and stared at Mustafa.

“Do you want me to keep living here?”

Mustafa looked up at him from where he was typing on his laptop. 

“Yeah. Why?”

Buddy crossed his arms over his chest, staring at the ground.

“I...don’t know. I-feels like-I shouldn’t be-you don’t know me. I’m still a stranger.”

“You’ve been here for a month, Buddy. You’re not exactly a stranger anymore.”

Buddy was quiet. He heard Mustafa setting his laptop to the side. 

“Do you feel like I don’t know you?”

He nodded.

“Okay-well...come here.”

Buddy glanced up at Mustafa. He was smiling that sweet, sweet smile again. 

“Let’s get to know each other.”

Buddy did sit down, next to Mustafa, and he still looked at the ground. 

“I...don’t know what to tell you.”

“Do you feel like-you don’t know yourself enough to tell me?”

“All I can tell is-what the Greater Good taught me about myself, and-how much of that is real? How do I know-”

He took a deep breath, and that wave of sadness settled over him again.

“I’m starting to worry...that I’m not-a man.”

“Oh, shit-Buddy, I’m sorry, that-that has to be incredibly difficult.”

Buddy shrugged. 

“Kinda is.”

“Do you want-want to talk about it?”

“Not sure how to.”

Mustafa moved a little closer to him. 

“Buddy...you said-way back when you explained how you came to the Greater Good, that-you were finding resources on transitioning when Seth found you.”

“Yeah, I was.”

“So...if you were considering the possibility beforehand, I think-I’m not saying gender identity can’t shift over time, but I think you were already thinking that before them, and that it wasn’t something they necessarily...made you think.”

“Maybe.”

“Can you tell me a little about-feeling like you don’t know yourself?”

Buddy shrugged again.

“I was there...for so long, I-became an adult in the Greater Good. I feel like I don’t know-what do I like? Am I a nice person? Am I mean? What do-I remember what I was like as a kid, sort of, but-nothing’s clear. I-what if I get better from all of what they put in my brain and I end up hating myself?”

Mustafa sucked in a breath and reached out, placing his palm flat on Buddy’s thigh. 

“I don’t know what I can do to help, but I don’t think...I don’t think it’s gonna turn out that you’re-inherently bad. Everyone has things they have to work past, everyone has beliefs that are trained into them that they have to unlearn, but-you didn’t…’lose’ that part of your life. You still grew as a person. Just from how-you’ve treated me, and Cedric, and Roman, and Jimmy-I know you aren’t unkind, and you have the freedom to explore that now.”

“What if I’m angry?”

“I think you get to be. When I-when I was a teenager and got out of...the group I was in, I went through something similar-obviously it wasn’t as long as you were with the Greater Good, but it still took me years to figure out who I was. I know...I know you want to rush through things and become-whoever you think the ideal ‘you’ is, but it can’t be rushed.”

Mustafa squeezed his thigh.

“But-you’re not doing it alone. You have your parents, and Cedric, and Roman-and...me.”

Buddy looked at Mustafa’s hand, then at Mustafa’s face. He felt very warm in his gut and he moved a little closer to him on the couch.

“I haven’t-don’t think I’ve really thanked you.”

Mustafa’s eyes were such a beautiful shade of brown.

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

They looked at each other for a second before Buddy felt a shift in his stomach and stood, crossing his arms over his chest. 

“I’m-gonna shower.”

“Okay. I-you wanna order something for dinner? Do you know where your list of foods is?”

“Yeah, it’s-on the fridge.”

Buddy rushed off to the bathroom and stood with his back against the door, taking a few deep breaths. 

\---

Busying himself with cooking dinner helped Buddy to not panic terribly about Mustafa’s friends coming over. There were foods he could and couldn’t eat, and Mustafa had really encouraged him to take charge in the kitchen so that he could make more of the decisions. It was kind of nice, the process of cooking or baking. It gave him something to think about other than...his entire life. 

He was at the point where he didn’t flinch when Mustafa came into the kitchen and put a hand on his back, gently rubbing it over his shirt. 

“How’s it coming?”

“Almost ready.”

“Thank you for making dinner for everyone.”

Buddy blushed and focused on cutting bread. 

“It’s nothing.”

Mustafa’s hand stayed on his back for a moment before there was a knock on the door. Buddy stayed in the kitchen while he left to answer and he could hear Cedric’s voice. He did turn to greet Cedric once he came into the kitchen.

“Hey, Buddy-how are you?”

“Alright. Had some...bad days this week.”

Cedric got that look on his face that made Buddy believe he might actually care about Buddy’s wellbeing. He reached out and gently squeezed Buddy’s forearm. He was happy so many of the people he had to be around understood that he really...needed the contact. He wasn’t sure what he’d do without that. 

“You wanting to talk about that at the appointment on Tuesday?”

Buddy nodded, and went back to the food. He still didn’t like to talk a whole lot. Thankfully, Cedric understood. 

There was a good stretch before anyone else arrived, and then it was the two friends Buddy hadn’t met yet-Drew and Tony. Mustafa didn’t introduce him to them immediately, and that felt nice. He was working on not rushing things. Him and Mustafa were working on that together. But at one point, one of them came into the kitchen with Mustafa, and Buddy...wasn’t sure what he expected.

Tony was about the same height as him, and muscular, and wearing a short, tight pink skirt, a big off-white sweater, and curly hair. Buddy would have immediately thought Tony was a man, but Mustafa had told him Tony was a woman. 

Buddy was very confused. 

“Oh-hi, you must be Buddy. Nice to meet you, I’m Tony. I hear Moose is helping you out?”

Buddy nodded, looking down at the floor. Two pink-shoe wearing feet showed up in his line of vision.

“Something interesting down there?”

“I-I-”

“Buddy, are you okay?”

“I’m-not sure?”

Mustafa slipped his hand into Buddy’s.

“Come with me. Excuse us, Tony-”

He was led to the bedroom and he was sat down on the bed, Mustafa next to him. 

“What’s wrong?”

“I didn’t know-you said Tony was a woman-”

“She...is? She’s been a woman for the past thirteen years.”

“But-I thought-”

Buddy leaned over and put his head in his hands. He felt incredibly stupid at the moment and he hated that feeling, and hating that feeling made him angry. Whether that was at himself or someone else, he wasn’t sure.

“I thought only...I didn’t know men could become women. Or-maybe I forgot.”

“What-you didn’t...know about trans women?”

Buddy made a short nod. Mustafa was quiet for a minute.

“I-you are trans, though, did-”   
“The Greater Good-they said only people like me existed, that-any man who wanted to be something else was...sick.”   
Mustafa squeezed his knee.

“You know that’s not true now, though, right?”

Buddy nodded again. 

“Think-I was just shocked.”

“That makes sense. I-if being around Tony...if that’s a problem-”

Buddy sat up and shook his head. 

“No, I-I don’t-I don’t wanna believe what they made me believe anymore.”

That got him that soft smile again. 

“You know...I’m really, really proud of you, Buddy. You’ve worked so hard these past couple of months, and-I know you feel like a stranger to me and yourself, but...I feel like I know you, and I’m so-”

Mustafa and Buddy looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment, and Buddy swallowed heavily. Mustafa’s hand slid just a little farther up his knee, and there was a knock on the bedroom door. They moved away from each other and Buddy reached up and pushed a loose strand of hair back from his face. Mustafa cleared his throat. 

“Uh-come in.”

Tony opened the door, a small frown on her face. 

“Um...hi. I-just wanted to check on you-I’m sorry if-I did something, Buddy, I didn’t mean to.”

Buddy forced himself to look at her. She was very pretty. Well-Buddy wasn’t attracted to women, but he could tell that she was pretty. She had a fairly thick frame, but he’d seen lots of women like that through his life, so that wasn’t strange. He hated that he reacted like he had; the Greater Good was wrong about a lot of things and this was one of them. Tony was just like he was, but she was a girl. Buddy hammered that thought into his head. He wasn’t going to hate someone because of something like that, something they couldn’t change about themselves. 

“You-I was-”

Well. Fuck it. Honesty was something he had been forced into for years and he wanted to make the choice to be honest now.

“The-cult I was in told me that-trans women were wrong and shouldn’t exist and I had never met someone like you before, so-I freaked out. I-I know that was wrong, and-I don’t think anything like that about you. I only just met you. I don’t think anything about you yet.”

Tony smiled. She actually smiled at him. 

“Well, that’s a lot better than how some people have reacted to me. Can I sit with you?”

Buddy nodded and she sat on his other side. 

“I’m sorry that that happened to you. I’d heard a little about your story, but not all the details-and...you probably have a lot of shit to figure out. No one is expecting you to do it perfectly all at once. As long as you respect me going forward, I don’t care that you freaked out.”

Buddy blinked and stared at Tony. He had had no idea how much he needed to hear that from someone he’d never met before. She was so...nice and level-headed about it. He would have been pissed if someone had told him what he’d just told her, but she was being so kind-and then she smiled even brighter. 

“Either way-I am really happy to meet you. Moose here talks about you all the time in the group chat.”

Mustafa stood very quickly.

“Sorry, I think I hear Roman and Dean at the door-”

He rushed out of the room and Tony giggled.

“Couldn’t resist the chance to embarrass him a little.”

Buddy felt the corners of his lips twitch up, and he started laughing. He really laughed. Someone made him laugh. He hadn’t truly laughed like this since-it had been before Seth left, so at least a year. He forgot how good it felt. He felt good! 

Tony laughed, too, and Buddy finally calmed himself. He smiled at her-no, he grinned at her, and this was the first moment he’d felt like a real person since he was fourteen. 

“He’s...do you tease him a lot?”

“Oh, we all do. Moose is such a sweetie, we can’t help it.”

Buddy leaned back on his hands. 

“Why do you call him that? ‘Moose’? Cedric and Roman and Jimmy have all called him that, too.”

Tony laughed a very sharp laugh at that. 

“You’d have to ask all the people he’s dated. Kind of uh...big and unstoppable where it really counts.”   
Buddy felt his face turn red-hot. That...hadn’t really been the answer he’d expected. Of course he’d felt a little bit of...well. Sleeping in bed with Mustafa had afforded him some ideas about certain things. Tony giggled and wrapped her arms around one of his. 

“Aww...looks like you might be a little interested in the Moose, huh?”

“What? No, of-no, I wouldn’t-”   
“Mhm. Sure, Buddy.”

Tony was a teaser in general, apparently.    
“Do you think you wanna go back out there?”

“...Yeah, I-yeah.”

Tony walked him out, pressed against his side and smiling and Roman and his husband-who Buddy had never met before this-were sitting on the couch, and Tony dropped herself into Drew’s lap, and he stuck his hand out for Buddy to shake. 

“Hi, you must be Buddy Murphy. Nice to meet you, I’m Drew Gulak.”

Tony giggled from her spot on his lap. 

“Always the politician.”

Drew smiled and wrapped his arms around her waist, and Buddy blushed. They were very affectionate with each other. 

“It makes a good first impression.”

Buddy greeted Roman and Dean, as well-he had briefly seen Dean in the parking lot one day, but this was his first time speaking to him. He had a very pleasant voice, with a slight lisp. Roman stood and Buddy’s eyes widened as Dean smacked his ass. 

“Dean, behave.”

Dean grinned up at Roman.

“Absolutely not.”

Buddy went to the kitchen with Roman, and Mustafa and Cedric were already in there.

“Sorry about him. He’s...a very handsy man.”

“It’s-fine.”

“Hey, y’all wanna eat? Buddy, you did an amazing job with the food-”

They all dished out food and found places to sit, and Buddy was between Roman and Mustafa, and he felt...good. He felt like he could laugh and even join the conversation sometimes, and it didn’t feel like anyone was lying when they complimented him. He didn’t feel angry-at least not actively so. Buddy was pretty sure there was always going to be a little stream of anger, deep in his gut, at least for a long time, but for the evening-surrounded by all of these people, and spending most of it talking to Tony, he felt good.

Not great, and not perfect, but...good.


End file.
